It never occurred to me to clarify.  I was jaded against the world, my life was crashing down, but when it came to Alex innocence prevailed.  He was my knight in shining armor and I spent as much time as I could with him, escaping the realities of life.

At the time it had been a little over a year since I discovered my mother’s alcoholism and drug addiction.  New Year’s Eve 1999, I placed the younger kids to bed and my brother and I returned downstairs to watch the ball drop.  There was an odd way about the adults in the room.  They were laughing at nothing, playing with baby toys, acting outrageous.  For the first time in my life I felt afraid.  I still preserve the snapshots of that day in my mind.  All though to young to be aware at the time, today I can survey that snapshot. I see the red bong in the middle of the coffee table, that distinctive white powder,  the pile of empty liquor bottles, and the bloody syringe my mother tried to hide.  I was confused.  I had a sinking feeling that something was wrong, but I was with my mother, an adult. I should have been safe.  The clocked ticked down to 11:58.  Someone popped the cork on the champagne and glasses were poured.  My mother handed me a glass, I was 14.  When I refused an argument between us followed.   I began to cry and I called my grandparents to come pick me up.  The night ended when my grandparents arrived at 2am.  My mother promptly thanked me for being a poor sport and ruining her evening, and I left.

It took several months to muster the courage to talk to my Grandparents about what had happened.  At 14 they had protected me and sheltered me from life.  I rarely watched TV, and my only exposure to drugs was the DARE program at school.  When I asked about my mother’s drinking, my grandmother avoided the topic.  A straight answer was never given, and of course no one ever used the world “problem”.  And so began the dance in my life, what IS the definition of “is”?

What is Alcoholism?  My mother surely had no control, but my grandparents refused to use the world Alcoholic

Did she have a problem? No, just a string of bad days.

And as I would soon discover, Alex was a master of words as well.  Esquire, Maxim, Advertisements, Still Pictures, that was not porn.  Pornography was movies of people having sex.  He had promised not to do that.  I didn’t say I didn’t tolerate masturbation to erotic stimuli, just that I didn’t tolerate porn.

To Be Continued:  Pt. 4  Isolation and acceptance.

I remember it was about 6 months into our relationship on a chili November evening that I should have realized the life I was signing up for.  We had gone to Hooters for an older friends birthday.  Alex could not have been more distracted the entire time we were there.  I was completely uncomfortable and something just felt off.  I know now that its that feeling a get when I know he is hiding something from me, but at the time it just felt off.  I will admit, I have always been a prude.  I don’t care what that makes you think.  I was raised right and I was raised strict and I am so thankful.  Obviously, I find Hooters to be quite objectionable.  At the time I was 16, and desperate to fit in with my friends.  I told myself that I was wrong, my parents were wrong, and my parents just didn’t understand how things worked now days. By conforming to social norms I allowed myself to bend and demolish boundaries that I had for moral standards of behavior.

When we left the restaurant I felt sick to my stomach, a feeling that would continue to repeat itself time and time again.  That internal warning that a boundary had been crossed, that a mistake had been made, that a piece of my integrity had been chipped away.  I turned to Alex and I told him I didn’t feel well and we should go home.  At 6 months in, I felt Alex was someone who could be trusted.  I told Alex how that night had made me feel, about the problems I had with Hooters, strippers, and porn.  Perhaps that was my mistake.  Had I ask him about it before I told him I thought it was a sin and the same as cheating, perhaps he would have been honest.  But none the less I asked him, “Do you look at porn?”  He got ghost white, swallowed, and said “I have, but I didn’t know you felt that way.  I’ll stop”  What I guy! I thought, wow.  And I lived in blissful ignorance.

To be continued… Pt.3 It depends on what your definition of “is” is.